[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
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Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
Important reminders
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
Yoga Matt
no regrets
I love twitter
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.