Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
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Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
How toddlers and cats are alike:
– they’re cutest when they’re asleep
– they will absolutely destroy your sofa
– they both eat out of the cat’s bowl
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.