If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
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When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
When I pack too much for a short trip.
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then