HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
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you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
socratic questions
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.