[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
You Might Also Like
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
The dark side of Canada
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.