Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
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Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
Autocorrect is my menesis
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.