“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
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When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
E
E
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ᴱ
ᴱ
ᴱ
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
twitter is a journey
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.