I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
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Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.