Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
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Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called