So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
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so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?