MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
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BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.