me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
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I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
Them: Are you Jewish?
Me: Yup.
Them: And you’re from Toronto?
Me: Yup.
Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.
Me: Not every Jew knows each other.
Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?
Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
this is funnier than any friends episode
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees