Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
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If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
When a shoelace touches your ankle
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.