When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
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If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
Well, this certainly took a turn
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
You wish you had this many chins.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick