Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
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Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.