I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
You Might Also Like
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
What’s a Messi?
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet