It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
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A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?