Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
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No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*