*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
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I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
Life hack
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
no regrets
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts