“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
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Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk