Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
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Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.