I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
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Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
new wife guy just dropped
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.