Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
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Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
This 4th of July, please remember…
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic