maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
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Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
Miscakes
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*