Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
You Might Also Like
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
Alexa: *deep breath*
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
tis the season
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?