It sucks that crazy people ruined wearing tinfoil hats for those of us that just did it for fashion purposes
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I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”