Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
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I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year