If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
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I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
want me to check your oil?
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this