Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
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I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
back to work
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”