MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
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If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.