Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
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Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
me after drinking all the wine:
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro