Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
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Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
I needed a laugh this morning.
lot going on here, legally speaking.
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…