Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
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Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
operators are standing by to ignore your call
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.