Still cracks me up
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her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
“no gods no masters” = leo
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
Finally a use for spoilers…
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.