Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
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Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.