QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
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Always the camel, never the toe.
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
Perfect.
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
Brb my Sims are getting married
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
Love is in the air fryer.
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation