Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
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When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
Great game to play with friends
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.