Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
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So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
I believe the plural is “milves.”
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not