Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
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Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
Ghost costume 😂
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.