[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
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Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.