That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
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Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
Good point.
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday