CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
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LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.