I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
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The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.