Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
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8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds