“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
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As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
“Why you watching this shit?”
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.