I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
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[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
Two types of dogs.
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.