Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
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On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
🙂🐾
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.