People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
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I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
My dog after a walk in the woods.
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”