Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
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Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash