I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
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Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.